1 Reading # 1 PRINCETON AND KATE MONSTER PRINCETON Oh, hey, Kate Monster! KATE MONSTER Princeton! Hi! PRINCETON Say, Kate… can I ask you a question? KATE MONSTER Sure! PRINCETON What’s your purpose in life? KATE MONSTER Oh! Well – I’m a kindergarten teaching assistant. PRINCETON Right. But what’s your purpose? Your dream! Your mission! KATE MONSTER Nobody ever wants to know that! PRINCETON I do! 2 KATE MONSTER (Blushing) Well, since you asked…No. I can’t! I hardly know you! PRINCETON Awww, come on! KATE MONSTER Okay. When I was a little Monster, I always wished I had a special place I could go. So my dream is to start a special school, only for Monsters. So that, in short, is my purpose. (beat0 But I’m not an egghead! I like to have fun and party… PRINCETON So you’re, like, all into Monster stuff! KATE MONSTER Uh-huh! PRINCETON Do you know Trekkie Monster upstairs? KATE MONSTER Uh-huh! PRINCETON Well, he’s Trekkie Monster and you’re Kate Monster. KATE MONSTER Right. 3 PRINCETON You’re both Monsters. KATEMONSTER Yeah. PRINCETON Are you two related? KATEMONSTER (SHOCKED!) What? Princeton! I’m surprised at you! I find that racist! PRINCETON I’m sorry. I was just asking. KATEMONSTER Well, it’s a touchy subject. No, not all Monsters are related. What are you trying to say…that we all look the same to you? PRINCETON No, not at all. I’m sorry. I guess that was a little racist. KATEMONSTER I should say so. 1 Reading # 2 ROD AND NICKY (ROD sits in his tasteful apartment, with a book) ROD Ah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, BROADWAY MUSICALS OF THE 1940s. No roommate to bother me. How can it get better than this? (NICKY enters cheerfully) NICKY Oh, hi, Rod! ROD Hi, Nicky. NICKY Hey, Rod, you’ll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me…. ROD (uninterested) That’s very interesting. NICKY He was being real friendly, and you know, I think he was coming on to me. I think he might’ve thought I was gay. ROD (uncomfortable) Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don’t care. What did you have for lunch today? NICKY Rod, there’s no need to get… 2 ROD I’m not getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met? I’m trying to read. (A moment. ROD returns to his book) NICKY Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it’s something we should be able to talk about. ROD I don’t want to talk about it! Nicky, this conversation is over! (Beat) Over! 1 Reading #3 LUCY THE SLUT AND KATE MONSTER (voiced by same actress) LUCY Yeah? KATE MONSTER Oh, it’s you. LUCY Are you the cleaning lady? KATE MONSTER I will not rise to your bait. Where is Princeton? LUCY He’s hosing off in the shower. You need something? KATE MONSTER I wanted to leave him this not, is all. LUCY Aww, man, that kid kept me busy all night. Say, baby, you mind checking to see if there are any scratch marks on my back? KATE MONSTER Oh, yes, I see them. It looks like they say, “Help me”. LUCY KATE MONSTER 2 LUCY KATE MONSTER LUCY 1 Reading #4 – MRS. THISTLETWAT AND KATE MONSTER (KATE picks up the phone) KATE MONSTER Hello? MRS. THISTLETWAT Good afternoon, Katherine. You may recall that you were supposed to teach my class this morning – while I got my heart replaced! KATE MONSTER Oh my God! MRS. THISTLETWAT You left the children unattended for three hours! They created their own tribal society and were about to sacrifice poor little Brittany! Where were you!? KATE MONSTER I – I overslept – I’m so sorry MRS. THISTLETWAT I should have never hired a Monster! KATE MONSTER What? MRS. THISTLETWAT Your race is notoriously lazy! KATE MONSTER Well, better a Monster than a crabby old bitch! 2 MRS. THISTLETWAT Crabby old bitches are the bedrock of this nation! I regret the day I hired you! KATE MONSTER That’s okay, because I quit! MRS. THISTLETWAT No, I’m going to fire you! KATE MONSTER But you can’t fire me because I quit! MRS. THISTLETWAT You’re going to hell, Katherine! KATE MONSTER See ya there! Reading #5 – BAD IDEA BEARS AND PRINCETON BAD IDEA BEAR Hey, Princeton! It’s us! PRINCETON Who are you? BAD IDEA BEAR The Bad idea Bears! We’re your friends! Where ya goin’? PRINCETON I’m almost broke. So I’m gonna get a job while I look for my purpose. BAD IDEA BEAR Did the check come in from your folks? PRINCETON Yeah. BAD IDEA BEAR Then you’ve got plenty of money! You should celebrate! You need to do something for you. Buy some beer! Yeah! Buy some beer! PRINCETON Gee, I shouldn’t be spending my parent’s money on beer. BAD IDEA BEAR (Very sad) Oh. Okay. That makes me sad, thinking about you not having any fun. I’m gonna cry.(Weeping) Gosh, I’m sad. Some days, I wish I was dead. PRINCETON You know? Maybe I could afford a six-pack. BAD IDEA BEAR How ‘bout a case! Reading #6 – BRIAN (with PRINCETON) BRIAN Princeton! PRINCETON Yeah. BRIAN Listen, buddy, nobody’s seen you for two weeks. What’s up with that? PRINCETON I went to work for a temp agency and they fired me for being too depressing on the phone. I maxxed out my cards, I’m two months behind in rent, I totally messed up my personal life and, Brian… I still haven’t found my purpose. (A moment) BRIAN Wanna hear a joke? PRINCETON Sure. BRIAN So there’s an octopus in line at the grocery store and in his cart is a can of soup, a vibrator and a redhead with gigantic tits. (A moment) PRINCETON Yeah? BRIAN I haven’t figured out the punch line yet. Got any ideas? 1 Reading # 7 – CHRISTMAS EVE (with ROD) ROD (A bit sad) I think it’s wonderful that you have someone so special in your life. CHRISTMAS EVE Are you okay, Rod? ROD Christmas Eve, you’re a therapist, right? CHRISTMAS EVE I have two master degree! ROD So you help people who have all kinds of problems? CHRISTMAS EVE Nobody want to come to me for helping. I meet with people, we talking for an hour, then they go away and never come back. And I wonder: why? Am I fixing them in one appointment? Maybe I too efficient. Maybe I should spread my helping out! Why, Rod? Do you need some helping? ROD Well – I have this friend – CHRISTMAS EVE Nicky? ROD No, no – another friend. And I think he has a very big problem. I think – I think my friend is (whispered) gay. 2 CHRISTMAS EVE What wrong with that? You know, Rod, gay people make major contribution to art and philosophy and literature for many hundreds of years now. ROD But my friend isn’t an artist – he’s a Republican. And an investment banker. CHRISTMAS EVE Ew, well, tell him to stay in closet then. He good for nothing. ROD (A moment) Well, okay! Great! Thanks for the advice! CHRISTMAS EVE Yeah, I wouldn’t want a friend like that! ROD Thanks again! CHRISTMAS EVE Bye now! Reading # 8 – GARY COLEMAN (with PRINCETON) PRINCETON Oh, my God! You’re Gary Coleman! GARY COLEMAN Yes, I am! Come on, kid, I’ll show you the place. You know, many distinguished people have expressed interest in this fine address. PRINCETON No kidding! GARY COLEMAN (He’s lying) Mmmm-hmmm! What’s in all these boxes? Anything good? PRINCETON My parents sent all of my stuff from home! GARY COLEMAN How nice! And you also got your rent bill, your utility bill, your student loan bill, your credit card bill, your internet bill, your cell phone bill – PRINCETON Oh, my God! GARY COLEMAN Oh, kid, don’t look so long in the face. Here’s a bit of advice from Gary Coleman: never under-estimate the power of long-range planning. If life gets you down, don’t sit on your ass and let it pass you by. ‘Cause you know what they say – if you rearrange the letters in the word “unemployed”, it spells “opportunity”! Reading # 9 – TREKKIE MONSTER TREKKIE MONSTER has very few spoken lines and most of them are singular interjections. So, rather than being asked to read from the script, people auditioning for MALE PUPPETTEER 2 will be asked to recite The Pledge of Allegiance or a nursery rhyme in TREKKIE’s voice. Also be prepared to sing a little in TREKKIE’s voice… the alphabet song? Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? Something along those lines.
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